CH...ANDLER

One advantage of having kids (and a husband) whose names all start with “CH” is the convenience of the birthday banner. The “HAPPY BIRTHDAY CH” was always firmly in place, attached by little gold clips, and I would add the appropriate endings as the Espinoza birthdays rolled around – June 22, 27, July 2, August 6, September 10. Today while cleaning out the garage, in the birthday party bin, I ran across ANDLER.

I wish the CH was the only thing missing. I miss the dimpled smile, the “uh, Mom,” the shirtless presence at all family gatherings, the late-night conversations that revealed the depth of conviction and contemplation in his young mind. I miss everything about Chandler...even the things that drove me nuts.

I miss his smell (Blue Sugar). I miss seeing his wardrobe choices as he would head out for a night of dancing. I miss hearing, “Hey, Mom, we’re getting together for **’s  birthday tonight.” I thought he was making it up half the time. Now I know he really did have that many friends to celebrate with.

Today Chance was over for a bit. I hugged him. And I held his face and kissed his head. I did the same to Charli. I hugged Chase later when he dropped by, but darn it, I forgot to hold his face.

It is different  now when I see them, hug them, kiss them. I know in every single cell of my being that each moment is precious. I know how it feels to ache with longing to touch my son’s warm cheek and kiss his hair. I will do it to my kids who are still here on this planet, whether they like it or not, for the rest of my days. They are my heart. How is it possible to love someone so much?

I kept the “ANDLER.” It will remain intact in the birthday party bin as long as the Espinoza birthday party bin exists.

My dear, sweet, Chandler, I would give anything to hang your “CH” –“ANDLER” banner and have you see it as you come through the front door or enter the kitchen, shirtless, on your birthday. Remember when you were turning five and we woke up in our Marriott Desert Villas rental in Palm Springs thinking it was July 2, and it was really July 1? Your birthday banner was up...and we went to Dairy Queen and celebrated as if it were your birthday all day long? Then Dad called the next morning from out of town where he was away on business to wish you “happy birthday” and I realized we celebrated the wrong day. We celebrated you all over again all day long. I can’t wait to celebrate you like that again. Where I can see your dimpled grin. I know it will happen. Someday. I love you, Chandler.