Grief -- The Great Teacher
This morning I was talking to my oldest son Chase. I don't mean to brag, but he's freaking brilliant, and I love who he is. He and I were both sharing how we are changed because of this experience. He said, "Mom, I don't want to live beneath the pain and miss what it can bring." Those are courageous words to utter. He doesn't say stuff he doesn't mean, so I know he is committed to allowing this process to be his teacher, even though it means he will allow himself to be steeped in hurt, sadness, tears, helplessness, and a myriad of other emotions people don't typically stand in line for. I want to be that courageous.
Just a few minutes later, I read these words in a wonderful book given to me by my friend Gail called Permission to Mourn: "Grief is not the enemy. Grief is the teacher. The powerful, blessed, gift-from-God teacher."
If grief is a teacher, I enrolled in its classes on December 15. I thought I was grieving the loss of my son's ability to walk and, to an unknown degree, impairment of his cognitive abilities. As the days wore on, the classes became more rigorous. And on January 1, I was promoted to master classes.
I can choose to skip class, skate through without paying attention, or submit myself to the difficult, sometimes excruciating, learning process. By the grace of God, with the help of friends, strengthened by my amazing family, I will allow this pain, this grief, to be my teacher.
I have been encouraged by others to continue writing, as the sharing of my journey has been helpful to them. I will be posting on CaringBridge a few more days, then I will be moving my journal (I guess you could call it a blog) to www.lisaespinoza.com. For now this URL will go directly to my WordPress blog.
My hope is that as I absorb the lessons my teacher offers in these next weeks and months, those who sit in on my class will be inspired, encouraged, and empowered.