God is With Me
This morning I catapulted myself out of bed so I could get Charli to school, came back home, curled up on the couch, and pretended it was the most natural thing in the world to go back to sleep as if the rest of the day did not await me. My body and mind wouldn't buy it. I cried and said, "Chandler, I miss you so much. Just let me know you are here....Jesus you are with me. I know you are with me." Then a friend called and asked if she could take me to breakfast. I admitted I just didn't have the energy, so she offered to bring breakfast to me. We sat and talked. God is with me.
A friend and her two sweet kids came by later with milk tea and boba and some delicious healthy cookies (YES, that's a thing!) for me and Charli. It was good to sit and chat with them. God is with me.
I journaled a bit and worked on figuring out what my new blog site might look like. Then another friend brought dinner. She gave me pretty much divine insight about some decisions I need to make about next steps. And her soup and gluten-free brownies were freaking delicious!!! God is with me.
Friends who know firsthand what we are going through came to help us do some work in Chandler's room. They also helped us take down some WAY outdated cornice boxes (what the heck are those??!!) from our living room. More importantly, we shared a bond that you don't wish on anyone. The walking through concrete, carrying an elephant on your chest feeling is familiar to them. We asked the, "How long before....?" questions and received honest answers. God is with us.
Our friends said they had experienced a similar "reverse nesting" when their child had died years before. They had repainted, purged, remodeled, etc. I resonate with that.
It's not about moving past or moving forward. It's not about skipping what needs to be embraced. It's about creating space to grieve, to mourn, to be in the moment. Sometimes that means removing the old and welcoming the new. Or removing the old and letting the blank space remain until the time is right to bring in the new. Sometimes it's about letting the old remain until the time is right to bring in the new. That's the thing about loss and grief. You have to decide what is right for YOU and WHEN.
What I know as this day comes to an end is...from the time I got up this morning until now as I prepare for my head to hit the pillow, God has been with me.