View From Above
This is one of the first pictures in Chandler’s baby book.
The caption I wrote underneath 26 years ago…
I wonder if this is what God sees when he looks down from heaven.
I wonder what Chandler sees when he looks down from heaven?
I believe Chandler is more alive than ever. What I don’t know are the ground rules where he lives now.
Does he see me – on the couch, tears flowing, whispering, “Chandler, I miss you so much, honey…I miss you so much”? Does he see all those times when the grief waves roll in and I struggle to come up for air? Does he see when I take his shirt sleeve and hold it to my cheek? Does he see when I hold his picture and tell him how much I love him?
Any of these would bring Chandler to tears. If there are no tears in heaven, are his eyes graciously blinded to his mother’s broken heart? Does he only see the happy stuff? Running through bubbles in a 5k, trying a new kombucha flavor, laughing at the dinner table with our family, enjoying a good book, watching Breaking Bad.
I hope he sees a mom who loves him beyond anything he could have even comprehended with his earthly Chandler mind. I hope he sees the boundless love that exists for him on this planet…and I hope he sees that it’s because of who he was. I hope he sees me and his dad and his brothers and sister loving and missing him fiercely and moving forward -- honoring him by choosing to live in the moment, love people well, and do the next right thing.
That’s what I hope Chandler sees when he looks down from heaven.
6-28-2000 I would rather worship than stick up my middle finger.