Grief tends to be very self-centered. I’m not ascribing any particular negative or positive moral value to that self-centeredness. It’s just the way it is. When you’re hurting, it’s difficult to see past your pain. It’s hard not to add the suffix, “But I want my son back,” to every experience, every emotion, every conversation, EVERY THING.
Today I was able to look just a bit past myself, past the gaping Chandler-sized hole in my heart, and see the BIG-ness of God. He is bigger than my loss, bigger than my pain.
I’m NOT saying he makes the pain disappear, like an eraser wiping a slate clean. It would be dishonest of me if I were to imply that worshipping God for his greatness, believing he is bigger, is an instant antidote for grief.
I can only say that for a few minutes while singing songs of worship with my fellow team members at Mission Hills Christian School and the staff of The Bridge Church, I steered my mind and heart toward the vastness of the God who created Chandler, who created the beautiful things my son enjoyed – the beach, the mountains, nature in any form. I focused on words that lifted my soul – “God who comforts those who mourn,” “Worthy of every breath I breathe,” “I put my trust in you….you are a firm foundation.” And in focusing on God, his BIG-ness, my heart was encouraged.
The mystery of mysteries…in his vastness, in his perfection, in his infinite power, he is WITH me. When grief grabs the reigns and steers me back toward my pain rather than toward the One who is bigger, he meets me with grace and compassion.