Always on My Mind
I’m thinking of my sweet friend who is living through this day, the anniversary of her teenage daughter’s death. I want to ask her how long before losing Chandler is not always on my mind. But today is not the day to ask. I’m praying for her. I know her heart is hurting.
Another friend observes the anniversary of her daughter’s death on Sunday. I won’t ask her this weekend how long before Chandler is not always on my mind. I know she is reliving all the pain.
Today we drove to a college soccer showcase. It’s always such a joy to watch Charli play the game she loves. It’s different now.
We love listening to the radio on these long drives. The Dance by Garth Brooks came on. Tears from me. Drops of Jupiter came on. Tears from Chip.
At one point, She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy by Kenny Chesney came on. Yes, we have eclectic taste in music. When Chandler was little, he would sing along to this song — “She thinks my tractor’s sexy…she really turns it wrong (his interpretation of ‘it really turns her on’).”
I took advantage of the drive time to call and make an appointment to get my car serviced next week. The guy on the other end of the phone said, “It looks like I have Chip in the system and Chandler.” Should I say, “Well, you can remove him from the system. He won’t be coming in any more” ??? I didn’t say anything except, “Yeah, I should be in the system. I just need my car serviced.”
While Charli warmed up for soccer, I took a long 2.3-mile walk around the soccer complex. I tried to just be in the moment. Thank you God for the sunshine, for Charli’s health and ability to play this game, for my ability to take a long walk, for my family. But my mind seemed bent on revisiting December 15-January 1. Vivid moments of pain I wish I could forget.
Throughout dinner with other soccer families, I felt like I was there but not there. I kept thinking, but my son isn’t alive any more. Everything is different.
After dinner, Chip and I went for a walk. I told him that I’m not depressed, but I’m sad. Normally on a soccer weekend I would have a special energy and excitement. This weekend, I feel like there’s a ceiling on how happy I can be.
It seems that every day, sometimes multiple times a day, something hits me between the eyes to remind me I don’t have Chandler here any more. And even when there’s no overt reminder, it’s still just beneath the surface.
He’s always on my mind. Always.