Missing

Missing

I can’t describe what it’s like to have your family all together — but feeling like you’re not all together.

Today’s highlight — we went and looked at a couple of houses that Chase and Karen are considering buying. Believe it or not, they wanted our opinion! It’s funny how you see these things through a mom lens, even after your kids are grown. Most of my comments about the two potential Espinoza homes went something like — “Those windows are kind of low if you have young kids around,” “That opening is just the right size for a baby gate,” “The patch of grass is perfect for a Little Tykes playhouse or swing.”

My mind dipped back into the past. I want to relive the fun-filled days at the park, the beach, the pool with my three little guys, safe in my care. Then it leaped to the future. I want Chandler to see his big brother buy his first house, and I want him to be Uncle Chandler someday. I had to hoist myself back onto the ledge of today and tether myself there so I could truly BE in THIS moment.

After house shopping, we grabbed takeout and went home to enjoy dinner together. My favorite times ever…when we are all together.

But we’re not. We’re just not. We don’t always talk about how much we miss him, but we also don’t pretend everything is as it should be, all in one piece.

We laugh so much. We talk about substantial topics and trivial minutiae. We love being together. We just are NOT ALL TOGETHER. And it hurts like hell.

I wonder a lot of things lately. And one of the things I wonder is — will Chandler’s absence from among us always feel this deep, this dark, this achey, this boundless?

I wonder.

Chandler watching TV.jpg
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