What would honor Chandler?
I ask this often. Sometimes I ask it because it helps me put one foot in front of the other. If I don’t get out of bed, that doesn’t honor Chandler. If I stop doing the things I love, that doesn’t honor Chandler. If I don’t take care of myself, that doesn’t honor Chandler.
This morning while a wave was crashing in on me, I told my friend, “I will not give up or stop enjoying life. That would not honor Chandler.”
I found myself walking around my house as if somehow my body had to move in order to process what was happening inside me. These words poured out of me through my tears…
God, it’s about you…all about you. I want to honor Chandler. And above all, I want to honor the God who created Chandler. You gave him to us for 25 years. You made him who he was, the person we miss so much. You are good, and kind, and loving, and powerful. And you gave us Chandler. I want to honor you, the Creator of my son. Thank you for letting us have him for 25 years.
At noon, I went to Sumits hot yoga, a guest of my beautiful friend Heidi who teaches there. Heidi knows us from way back; she knew Chandler since he was born. She was key in setting up the bike memorial for Chandler. She shares my pain. All was good – the up dogs and down dogs and tree poses. Then she played Halo by Biance. All I could do was lay on my mat and sob. I stroked the letters on my ring -- WWHC. “I’m so sorry, Chandler. I’m sorry for what you went through. I love you, son. I miss you so much.”
A couple of years ago right after my daddy died, I heard Halo during a cool-down at a dance class. I fought back tears. I had no idea that two short years later I would cry when I heard it for a different reason.
“Everywhere I’m lookin’ now, I’m surrounded by your embrace. Baby, I can see your halo. You know you’re my saving grace.” Even now as I think of those words….oh, my sweet baby boy, my angel.
Today my angel boy is celebrating with my daddy. He would have been 96 today.
My daddy was a gift to me. My baby boy was a gift. The love and care of friends is a gift.
For all these gifts, and just for who you are, I want to honor you, God.
James 1:17 “Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights…”