Today i was talking with a friend about how we sometimes with our families we get into a routine of hugs, kisses and “I love you’s” that can sometimes feel like going through the motions. It’s not at all that we don’t love them. Just that it can become a conditioned response in the same way “Bless you” is an automatic response to someone’s sneeze.
I have always hugged and kissed my kids and my husband. We rarely get out the door or off the phone without exchanging “I love yous.”
Since Chandler died, when I kiss Chase, Chance, or Charli on the cheek, I feel their skin. I smell their scent. I take it in and store it somewhere in my soul. When I hug them, I absorb every inch of the hug. When I say, “I love you,” I mean that they have my whole heart and are the greatest joys of my life.
I remember the last kisses on his cheek, the last smell of his skin, the last caresses of his hand. I relive them, but only for a few moments. It’s too hard to sink into those lasts.
Chandler, my sweet boy, my heart aches for you. It’s just too much. Too much.