Nine months today.
I asked a dear friend this morning how long before you stop remembering the Day as the anniversary. She would know. She has lived through the loss of her husband and best friend. The news isn’t good. Apparently, some of the sting goes away, but the Day is always the Day.
I guess if I’m looking on the bright side, it means someone in my life was so significant that the Day I lost them, it changed my world forever. I would rather not have the bright side. I would rather just have Chandler back.
This morning on the way to church, I listened to a couple of worship songs sent to me by friends, one of whom is in this shitty club with me.
Yes, I Will, lift you high in the lowest valley
Yes, I will, bless your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All may days, oh, yes I will
Only by the the grace of God, I will.
Then I listened to Scars.
So I’m thankful for the scars
Cause without them I wouldn’t know your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
At this point in the journey, I mean these words and I don’t mean them. I would trade the scars for my son’s life. I’m not a martyr or a saint. At the same time, I know crap happens, and every scar means I’m not who I was. Every wound, therefore every scar, has driven me closer to the reality that God is with me.
After church, I went to HotWorx and worked out in 125 degrees of heat for about 50 minutes. Not one of my better ideas. I’d been struggling with a tickly throat, and after working out, I felt achey and tired. So I watched two movies on the couch and scrapped my to-do list for the afternoon.
Except for one thing. I’d been engaging in avoidant behavior regarding the need to replant a succulent bowl on the back patio. Apparently, succulents don’t like their roots to be wet. I’ve been putting off replanting because I suck at gardening. Chip drilled a new hole in the bowl, I added gravel for further drainage, and I actually replanted the succulents. We shall see how it turns out in the weeks to come.
It would be pretty cool if the succulentsI I replanted on the Day began to flourish. I sure gave it my best. Despite feeling pretty yuck.
Tomorrow….a new day. Not the Day.