Table for Six
Today was full of good things — meaningful work, authentic relationships, good food, sweaty workout.
Today at work, they asked me what would bless me for my birthday — a Starbucks run, lunch, ? I said, “Just being here blesses me.” They ordered lunch in, and we sat around the front office and chatted. I love the work I get to do and the team I get to do it with. They are good people. And we just plain like one another.
After work, I dropped by Hotworx for a cycle workout in 125-degree far infrared heat. My Garmin (fitness tracker) measures intensity level of each workout. It awarded me 60 moderate to intense workout minutes, based on heart rate, for only 48 minutes of actual workout time at Hotworx because you work harder in the infrared heat. If I don’t move my body, I’m not sane, and this combines getting my heart rate up and being hot. I love it!
Tonight, we had “book club” at my house. The past two meetings we have read nothing (we usually read our book when we get together), and we are now going on six months with the same book. I think it’s safe to say we are a group of friends who socialize and enjoy tasty treats each month while flipping through about 3/4 of a book per year. The main thing is, we love each other, we pray for each other, we are real with each other, and we talk instead of read if that’s what we need to do. Tonight, they brought me hydrangeas and a lemon pie for my birthday…and they sang Happy Birthday to me.
As wonderful as a day can be, most of the time there is a sense of, “But Chandler isn’t here.”
Sometimes now, I will realize at the end of a day that my head seems to have risen above that dark cloud and into the clear horizon of pure joy. But most of the time, it’s like there is a rope pulling me down when I start to rise above the deep missing. It’s not that I don’t think I deserve to have joy or to live a fulfilling life. It’s just that it hurts so damn much. I miss my son. It doesn’t feel right that he’s not here. Not normal. We are a family of six. We raised four kids. We had our granite kitchen island custom built to fit the six of us.
Another day filled with good things….but still, there should be six.
Tonight’s Chandler-ness:
4-24-99
Chandler: Mom, I don’t say bad words any more.
Mom: You don’t?
Chandler: No, I don’t.
Mom: Did you just say something bad?
Chandler: No, I don’t say bad words any more. If there’s a bad word in a movie, I don’t say it any more.
Mom: That’s great, babe.
Chandler: So can I watch Titanic?
Mom: No.
